Category: Joke Board
SUBJ: Great MacGyver Cookie Recipe
Contributed to HumourNet by Randy Cassingham
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff
myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this
cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I
make 'em in my own kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make
them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador
is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip
ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of
peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the
cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches
archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador
to try to find her father -- a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles
in archaeology as a hobby -- who went down there to find the lost
pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles
as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to
myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him
a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices
that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn
all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the
god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a
curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did
actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with
comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid
of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other
devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring
by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little
packets of salt and butter that come with your meal -- the woman
next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so
you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of
the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some
reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation
might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you
look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side
and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll
thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp
something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on
the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a
cab is the better part of valor and head back outside -- on the way,
though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the
appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie
ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then
surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with
the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence -- get back outside the
concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the
snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the
clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who
sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers
you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the
mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well,
you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has
time to squeeze off more than one shot -- and he'll miss on the
first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was
just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to
let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the
bank first to take care of a little business. While she's talking
with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety
deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll
find a fair-sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking
soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with
the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit
box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold
the piece of paper -- it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the
Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion
notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and
exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's
pretty straightforward -- just trek through the jungle with her for
a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the
mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into
its depths, and locate the treasure room.
Read on for the rest ...
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his
head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two
cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs
from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and
two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic
bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well,
add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the
bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and
place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up
against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to
lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held
in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as
the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab
slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab
table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're
having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from
the outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light
for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and
set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and
her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained
while you note that the device in question is clearly of
extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly
powerful laser cutting device -- except that it shows signs of being
dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front
partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade
from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one
quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect
the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him
stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the
chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the
other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your
presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at
you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on
and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area -- the cookies in
particular -- with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the
interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief
romantic moment where you kiss her and think, "Gosh, for someone
who's been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week,
her hair's not greasy at all," the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that
the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to
explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the
pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the
top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so
uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole,
causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions
escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret
temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with
all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of
so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and
notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the
plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever
tried -- I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad
batch yet.
Wow! Lengthy, but quite droll. I like this.